I've got another little thing to share! Enjoy! This one was written probably about a month ago, so this would have been about six months without her trying to cope with it. I don think this the reality that I have to get used to.
"I can’t sleep at night. I used to be able to understand why, but now it is beyond me. I lay there and stare at the blackness that I know is the ceiling and my mind turns slowly. I don’t know what its thinking, its too far back in the folds of my brain. But it is making me sad. In fact, I think I’m always sad. Every moment of every day, sad, so deep down in my heart that I barely even know most times. But it is true, these unseen, these memorized thoughts, are making my heart sad. I’ve lost her, and because of this thought, even if some days it is only the shadow of a thought, makes my heart sad and heavy. So now I see, even if I don’t know I’m thinking of her, my mind always is, so I cannot move on, I can not let her go, for my heart and mind will not allow me. I have lost her, and I shall never against be the same… in the mess of thoughts that is my mind, this is clear. I HAVE lost her."
This is how I know it is. I will pack her away, try to look at the bright sides of things, but I do think that this is how it is going to be. I don't think that I am capable of being the same again, of doing those things again with someone else. I don't think that I can, so this is how it will be. This is the REALITY of my life, I may not like it, I may want that sadness to go away, but God stamped her memory on my heart and branded it in my thoughts.
He must have done it for a reason, so I can not forget her.
