Beauty from Ashes, Joy from Tears

                                  God bless them, they are my joy from tears.                              

It seems hard sometimes, when life is dark and you think that you have lost everything that could possibly mean anything to you. But in man, in fact most, sad things, there is a good thing that is worth fighting for, a good thing that is worth the pain.
When I lost Anna Maria it was the same way. Though I will always regret loosing her, and my conscience will tell me for the rest of my life that there should have been something I could have done about it, I will NEVER regret what I DID do.
I have never seen Nina so happy, in the marriage of these two exceptional people, I see God's hand working in amazing ways. There are so happy together, and though there was much pain that went with that love, for them and for all of us that were involved. It was so worth it. It is the light that leads me and guides me when I feel lost and alone, wallowing in the deepness of my pain and sorrow. They are indeed a blessing, the best thing in my life.
And when their child is born, he/she will be the result of this blessing. And that child should always remember what his mother and father did for him/her, that child will be blessed beyond all imagination.
So in this dark world, if you look beyond the cloud of ash you will see roses, and when you look through your tears, you will see light and laughter before you.
This is the way of life, if there were no pain, there would be no relief, and if there was no grief, joy would seem hollow, and if there was no dark, the light would never stand out.

                     I see the light, I see the light at the end of the tunnel,
                          I see the light, and the light is what I run too,
                          I see the light, and that light, darling is you.

Not All Life is Sad

     There is so much pain and sadness in this world, so many things that we can be upset or devastated over. And often there is so much bad, that the good is just disappears into the dark clouds. I find that quite often some of the worst things in life are of our own making. Our minds can be so stubborn, we will dwell on one bad thing so long that we miss all the good things that are happening in our life.
      I do indeed have many things to thank God for and to be happy about. He has blessed me in so many ways with love and family and friends and possessions. He will always do what is best for me, and I know this. He sends so many blessings to me, and I must be sure to count them carefully when the darkness is closing in.
      This does not always make the darkness and the greif go away of course. But it is comforting to know that God has my life in his hands, and that He will always do what is best for me. Greif was also given to us by God, but it has it's place. I must always be careful not to let it rule my life, or all the good things that He has given me will go past with out my knowledge.

My life and my love are in his hands,
They are not mine to control,
I must leave it all in his precious hands,
And live out my God given role.

I can't always see it, I can't understand,
I know that he sees it all,
So I will live by his word and trust his grace,
Following him I can never fall.

She came by his hand when I needed her,
He did send her, I still believe,
And though this pain does not make sense,
His merciful love I can still receive.

Unexplainable

It's amazing how much you can hurt after some one you really loved and cared about is gone. You hurt deep down inside, it makes you sad to talk about it but somehow you need to tell someone, to let it out, put it in the open, put that deep and unexplainable pain into words. You don't really want sypathy, you just don't want to hold it all inside, and maybe to a certain degree, you need to tell yourself the truth too. Face what has happened and embrace it as your new life.

I have mainly started this blog for two reasons, #1, to let out all those pent up feelings that are banging on the broken walls of my heart, making my chest ache, crying to get out, to be seen AND felt. #2, for the friends who I still have who can not really understand what I am going through, maybe this will help them to understand. And for my friends who do not know what happened, or who maybe are wondering about what kind of person I am. This is my heart, this is who I am and how I feel. These are the thoughts and emotions from the depths of my hearts.

So here is for my friends, and for my heart, please feel free to read, and if you don't understand, that's okay, because I don't really either.