In my mind, on my heart.

I try so hard to make myself believe that I don't care, that I'm going to let her go, to move on. Many times I have tried to make myself burn her letters and her pictures, all the things she gave me, to get rid of them forever. But I can't make my body do it.

And almost as if she doesn't want me to get out of the pain, almost like God wants me to keep going in it, the moment I start to forget, when I'm finally happy and not even thinking about her. She is there, online at the same time as me, posting on her blog, or just screaming to me from the back of my mind. Her voice, those last words that she said to me "Thank you Rebekah." They pound in my head, I can't get them out, they are driving me insane, and though I want them to go away, they won't.

So this is it. This is my life.

FACT: She was the best thing that ever happened to me.

FACT: She was the best friend that God could have given me.

FACT: Now she's gone, she most likely will never come back.

FACT: She has moved on, I can tell by her writing, by how she goes on. She doesn't need me any more.

All of these facts will most likely never change, especially one and two. She made me the person I am. She was like an angel, like the best sister anyone could ever want. I truly believed, and still believe that she was sent by God, to me, for a purpose.

Oh, I know that I have said this all before, I'm probably just repeating myself, but these posts are what I'm thinking, my way of letting some of that emotion go. Of getting it off my chest so I can hold my head high and go on a few more days or maybe even weeks. And these are the thoughts that I always have, the ideas and questions that are always in my mind.

Does she still care about me? Does she miss me? Does she even think about me? How could God let this happen? Why hasn't he done something? What was she thanking me for? Why didn't she ever say good-bye? What did I do to diserve this? Why won't God help me? Is there even God? If so does he even care about me?

Every day, all day and into the night these questions and thoughts and ideas pound at my mind, ripping at it. But there is nothing I can do. I can't seem to forget her, it's almost like a higher force doesn't want me to. My heart still skips a beat everytime I see a picture, everytime I hear her name. Every time I see think about her.

So God, what would you have me do? How would you have me handle this? How would you have me run my life? Answer in your own good time, I know you know just how this is going to end. I know you have it in your hands, though it's hard to believe sometimes. So once again I'm going to give her to you. Try again to let her go.

And Anna Maria, thank you, thank you for helping me, thank you for being my friend, thank you for loving me and always being there for me. God bless you.