A Numbed Pain

It's a funny old world. At first, the pain is so bad you don't think you'll ever get over it. Maybe you won't even be able to carry on with your life. But life goes on and this stage passes. Then it's a memory, deep in your mind, that pain is still so close to the surface. You swear, "I'll always feel this way, I'll never forget them or think any different of them." But then time goes on, and it's almost like when your fingers get cold outside.

You just can't feel them any more.

You start asking questions like, "What would I say if I saw them right now?" "Would we really have that much to talk about?" "Would they like the person I am now?" "Would I be willing to change for them again?" And the funniest part it, you really do wonder about these things.

Suddenly you're just not so sure any more were you stand on the issue. Whether you really do want to reapproach the pain. Is it really worth it?

I don't know.

SHE MISSES ME!

This may not sound like the best of news, oh, she misses me! I'm so happy! ;) But it is. For months now I haven't known. I wondered, all the time, what she was thinking. If she hated me, had forgotten me, didn't care about me anymore, didn't love me anymore.

But now I know, and it's so good, she misses me! She hasn't forgotten, she does still care, and she wants me back, or that's what missing usually means to me. I haven't been this happy for a long time! She hasn't forgotten, she still loves me, she wants to see me again, this isn't the end!

SHE MISSES ME!

The Reality of Loss

I've got another little thing to share! Enjoy! This one was written probably about a month ago, so this would have been about six months without her trying to cope with it. I don think this the reality that I have to get used to.

"I can’t sleep at night. I used to be able to understand why, but now it is beyond me. I lay there and stare at the blackness that I know is the ceiling and my mind turns slowly. I don’t know what its thinking, its too far back in the folds of my brain. But it is making me sad. In fact, I think I’m always sad. Every moment of every day, sad, so deep down in my heart that I barely even know most times. But it is true, these unseen, these memorized thoughts, are making my heart sad. I’ve lost her, and because of this thought, even if some days it is only the shadow of a thought, makes my heart sad and heavy. So now I see, even if I don’t know I’m thinking of her, my mind always is, so I cannot move on, I can not let her go, for my heart and mind will not allow me. I have lost her, and I shall never against be the same… in the mess of thoughts that is my mind, this is clear. I HAVE lost her."

This is how I know it is. I will pack her away, try to look at the bright sides of things, but I do think that this is how it is going to be. I don't think that I am capable of being the same again, of doing those things again with someone else. I don't think that I can, so this is how it will be. This is the REALITY of my life, I may not like it, I may want that sadness to go away, but God stamped her memory on my heart and branded it in my thoughts.

He must have done it for a reason, so I can not forget her.

Getting it off my Chest

I'm going to start posting some of the stuff I wrote in the few weeks after we weren't talking any more. I have two reasons for doing this. The first one is that I just want people to read them, I know that I'm not the only one and so that I can get them out of that dark corner of my heart and mind were they are hiding. The other reason is because some of them are good I think, some of the best stuff I have written maybe, and I don't want to keep that, I want to share it and see what you guys think.

So here it is, I will start with the first one, I wrote this three days after we stopped talking. I think this was the first time I'd really done anything to express myself except cry. I haven't read or showed this to anyone before I don't think.

FOOT STEPS THROUGH THE BATTLE FIELD

(unload two days after I lost you, I love you baby, and this hurt me so much. I LOVE YOU)

I feel like I’m floating above the world. My life is spread before me in a long trail leading away into the stars. A trail of tears with cracks every so often, cracks were my heart broke. With tiny bright spots between the pain.

This stage of my life is like a war zone, a battle ground were peace can not be reached and hopes and dreams fall dead at my feet. I don’t know if I shall every feel peace again, if ever there shall be a soft glisten on the horizon, just enough to tell me I’ll see the light again.

The sand turns to mud as I cry on the ground below me. And slowly another crack appears in the path of my life as once again my heart brakes and love says good-bye. I wonder how many times a heart can break, how many pieces it can be lost before there is none of it left. Till it’s all been given away to those you love.

Life is a long story of pain and suffering, with those tiny spots of light to show that God does still care. And if you look very closely in the mud, wet with your tears, you will see his footsteps, leading you slowly towards the next point of light.

And all you can do is treasure that letter that you meant to send, but couldn’t, because they just weren’t there any more. Let that piece of your heart go that you gave to them, and always remember them for the one that God sent to get you through.

He knows what you need, and he will always lead you. Your life was made by Him before you were born and He will shape you as you grow, till you are what He needs you to be. And no matter how many times your heart brakes, no matter how many friends leave you. His footsteps will always make a path through the battle zone till you reach the light on the other side

In my mind, on my heart.

I try so hard to make myself believe that I don't care, that I'm going to let her go, to move on. Many times I have tried to make myself burn her letters and her pictures, all the things she gave me, to get rid of them forever. But I can't make my body do it.

And almost as if she doesn't want me to get out of the pain, almost like God wants me to keep going in it, the moment I start to forget, when I'm finally happy and not even thinking about her. She is there, online at the same time as me, posting on her blog, or just screaming to me from the back of my mind. Her voice, those last words that she said to me "Thank you Rebekah." They pound in my head, I can't get them out, they are driving me insane, and though I want them to go away, they won't.

So this is it. This is my life.

FACT: She was the best thing that ever happened to me.

FACT: She was the best friend that God could have given me.

FACT: Now she's gone, she most likely will never come back.

FACT: She has moved on, I can tell by her writing, by how she goes on. She doesn't need me any more.

All of these facts will most likely never change, especially one and two. She made me the person I am. She was like an angel, like the best sister anyone could ever want. I truly believed, and still believe that she was sent by God, to me, for a purpose.

Oh, I know that I have said this all before, I'm probably just repeating myself, but these posts are what I'm thinking, my way of letting some of that emotion go. Of getting it off my chest so I can hold my head high and go on a few more days or maybe even weeks. And these are the thoughts that I always have, the ideas and questions that are always in my mind.

Does she still care about me? Does she miss me? Does she even think about me? How could God let this happen? Why hasn't he done something? What was she thanking me for? Why didn't she ever say good-bye? What did I do to diserve this? Why won't God help me? Is there even God? If so does he even care about me?

Every day, all day and into the night these questions and thoughts and ideas pound at my mind, ripping at it. But there is nothing I can do. I can't seem to forget her, it's almost like a higher force doesn't want me to. My heart still skips a beat everytime I see a picture, everytime I hear her name. Every time I see think about her.

So God, what would you have me do? How would you have me handle this? How would you have me run my life? Answer in your own good time, I know you know just how this is going to end. I know you have it in your hands, though it's hard to believe sometimes. So once again I'm going to give her to you. Try again to let her go.

And Anna Maria, thank you, thank you for helping me, thank you for being my friend, thank you for loving me and always being there for me. God bless you.

I'm Moving On

God sends us so many wonderful things, he has a purpose in everything that he does, and I believe this with all my heart. I don't know what his purpose is half the time, but he has a reason, I keep telling myself this, because if I loose faith in him, I will loose everything.

It's not always easy to follow, and in my case, it's almost impossible. But I will try, I have been trying. So I think, that finally, after all this time, I can do it. I can walk away, I say my final good-bye... and move on.

I will never forget her of course, but I will let go. Let go of all the pain and all the questions. I will give it to God and leave it in his hands. It is his doing, so I know it will be for the best. Whether I can see how it will work or not. I just have to believe in him.

So God, here you go, she's yours, take care of her, take care of us, give her a good life, and don't let anyone ever hurt her. And please don't ever let her forget me. I'm movin' on.

I LOVE YOU. And I will be your best friend forever. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You made me the person I am, and maybe that was God's purpose in all of this. So I thank you for that, and hope that you can forgive me for the pain that I may have caused you.

Le mellon, le hannon

Beauty from Ashes, Joy from Tears

                                  God bless them, they are my joy from tears.                              

It seems hard sometimes, when life is dark and you think that you have lost everything that could possibly mean anything to you. But in man, in fact most, sad things, there is a good thing that is worth fighting for, a good thing that is worth the pain.
When I lost Anna Maria it was the same way. Though I will always regret loosing her, and my conscience will tell me for the rest of my life that there should have been something I could have done about it, I will NEVER regret what I DID do.
I have never seen Nina so happy, in the marriage of these two exceptional people, I see God's hand working in amazing ways. There are so happy together, and though there was much pain that went with that love, for them and for all of us that were involved. It was so worth it. It is the light that leads me and guides me when I feel lost and alone, wallowing in the deepness of my pain and sorrow. They are indeed a blessing, the best thing in my life.
And when their child is born, he/she will be the result of this blessing. And that child should always remember what his mother and father did for him/her, that child will be blessed beyond all imagination.
So in this dark world, if you look beyond the cloud of ash you will see roses, and when you look through your tears, you will see light and laughter before you.
This is the way of life, if there were no pain, there would be no relief, and if there was no grief, joy would seem hollow, and if there was no dark, the light would never stand out.

                     I see the light, I see the light at the end of the tunnel,
                          I see the light, and the light is what I run too,
                          I see the light, and that light, darling is you.